What does it mean to hate yourself? Let me count the ways:
1. Not turning in your assignments in middle school because they weren't perfect.
2. Comparing your body to models in magazines since you were ten.
3. Hitting yourself. All the time.
4. Scissors, keys, whatever you could find to cut.
5. When you let them not use a condom.
6. Sabotaging your assignments.
7. Allowing him to call you a freak.
8. Apologizing excessively.
9. Calling yourself a monster.
10. Letting him psychoanalyze you.
11. Not defending yourself when he says your happiness is a weakness.
12. He was married with kids, even though he didn't tell you at first.
13. The knife. The leftover pills. The roof.
14. Bite marks like crescent moon scars.
15. You picked up the scissors again.
16. The therapist didn't work, you found an alternative.
17. Holding yourself back.
18. You played with his heart because you couldn't find worth in yours.
19. No more sleep, just a stinging sensation up your left arm.
20. You don't eat as penance.
21. It's over, but now you cannot forgive yourself.
This is a chronicle of my own self hatred and issues. These have been dealt with, therapy has been sought out, but I am still working on them and moving on. Healing is not an instantaneous process, but even starting that journey is admirable. Until next time.
Open your mind, be brave, and be kind.
To See With One's Body and Soul
This blog documents all of my adventures, as well as my development into an artist, writer, and a better person.